Get Freaging Dressed

Here's some very simple wardrobe advice:
1. WEAR THE RIGHT SIZE CLOTHES. I DO NOT want to see your flub or your a$$ crack.
2. Ladies: if you wear sweatpants or pajama pants IN PUBLIC, I'm gonna just assume you're pregnant, even if you're not. Nobody wants to see fuzzy pink pants with monkeys on them on anyone over the age of 5.
3. Dudes: if you wear sweatpants or pajama pants IN PUBLIC, I'm gonna just assume you're unemployed, even if you're not. The fact that you also won't shave or get a haircut only helps this image develop in my mind. You want women to want you, right? Well I don't want you. Put some jeans on & shave your fuzz, maybe you'll actually get a second look. If you're very lucky.

Easy Tips To Get Me to Be Pleasant To You

1. Shower. Seriously.
2. Brush your teeth. Seriously.
3. My face is up here, not on my chest (unless you're SMOKIN' HOT, which you likely are not, or you wouldn't be talking to my t**ts).
4. If you want to blow your cigarette smoke at me, please allow me to blast you with wet spritzes of albuterol from my inhaler that I have to use because of people like you.
5. I already know Jesus. I like the Bible. I've been to church. Don't try to tell me to behave differently. This is the United States, I can do what I want religiously, and yes, it includes Jesus and God, but it does NOT include people pushing it on me.
6. If you're over 40, DO NOT FLIRT WITH ME. I DO NOT WANT YOU. YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR ME AND YOU'RE CREEPING ME OUT.
7. Yes, I have a big rack and red hair, so I stand out a little bit. Stop effin' staring at me like I have 2 heads. Especially if you have a glass eye & a bobbly head. YOU are the freak in that case, not me. I'm not a pretty lady, but I'm also not a f***in' freak. Go rim yourself.

Friggin Seriously Stupid Permasmilers

Listen, permasmile people: KNOCK IT THE EFF OFF.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A VIBE IN YOUR HINEY, and I'm gonna just go around assuming you do. WIPE THE EFFIN' SMIRK OFF YOUR EFFIN' FACE, YOU ARE CREEPING EVERYONE OUT!!!!

This post may sound cruel, but it makes sense...

Ok so on the news tonight, they talked about THREE separate car accidents, all fatal, and all people killed didn't buckle up. It's so easy to do, and they would all still be here if they did it.
Then there's the story about the guy who had a kid in his deer hunting party who was WEARING BLAZE ORANGE, and the guy MISTOOK HIM FOR A DEER and SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD. WHAT THE FRICK?? How do you screw that up??
Then there's the story about the 3 year old and the 5 year old kids who disappeared while playing outside, and authorities don't know if they wandered off or were taken. My take on this is, WHY WASN'T THE MOTHER WATCHING CHILDREN THAT YOUNG?? My mom watched me when I played outside until I was 6 years old like good parents should! I wasn't even allowed to take a bath in private until I was 6 years old because my mom wanted to be SURE I knew the rules about playing with the faucets (and possibly burning myself doing that) and not get water on the floor (which can be slippery and dangerous) and stuff like that.
Such simple things could have prevented news stories like these. That's all I have to say.

Tim Pawlenty

I really don't like Tim Pawlenty.
I really don't like Tim Pawlenty.
I really don't like Tim Pawlenty.
I really don't like Tim Pawlenty.
Lookit this loser:

I think I would rather have Jesse Ventura back. At least Minnesota was in good shape when he was governor. He hates republicans. He hates democrats. He's awesome. Come back, Jesse!

Pringles vs. Lays Stax

Pringles were invented how long ago? Like a long freakin time. And you can get your hand into the can to eat the product! It has been this way since the first can of Pringles was made! Matthew & I both have noticed that Lays Stax, although their container looks cool, is NOT meant for actually CONSUMING the Lays Stax. You can stare into the container and say "Those sure look tasty," but you CANNOT GET THEM! Lays Stax are good, or at least the top third of the can is anyway, but they apparently are chip-shaped and flavored knicknacks in a fancy tube. They come in so many yummy flavors, but I don't want to pay a dollar for a third of a can of Lays Stax when I can pay a dollar to get EVERY Pringle in the can. The back of the can says: "Enjoy Lays Stax potato crisps at the office, around the house,on the go or WHEREVER you are!" I don't know about you, but most people that bring Pringles to work or in their cars don't need to carry a bowl. Sure, I CAN enjoy Lays Stax on the go, but I must bring a bowl, or just enjoy only a few Lays Stax, either that, or I have to be a jerk and not share with people, whereas Pringles I can just pass THE CAN to the person and expect them to retrieve Pringles from it! Come on Frito Lay, please change the shape of your Lays Stax can, or I will exclusively buy Pringles, or push Pringles to make Hidden Valley Ranch flavor. And you musn't forget this: which product came first? Uh YEAH PRINGLES--copycats! And bad ones at that!

Summer is gay

Summer can blow me. Spring in NY can too. Nothing like women in slutty-ass outfits and hairy fat dudes without their shirts (or showers, but I find that the old fat hairy dudes lack showers year-round). I am made for cold weather. 50 degrees? No problem, that's t-shirt weather for me, no jacket, no sweatshirt. 40 degrees? Just a sweatshirt is more than enough. 30 degrees? Just add mittens to the sweatshirt. Done and done. Cold indoors? I can easily fix that with a sweatshirt or a blanket. Now the heat is a different thing. Hot indoors? I can't really dress down any more than SKIN!! And I certainly can't go outside wearing that! Fans can only blow so much "cool" air. Half the time it's just warm air from another part of the room or from outside. Air conditioners only go down to 62. That is NOT cool enough for comfortable indoor living during this season. In fact, 62 indoors in the WINTER is about right for me, but it needs to be cooler during the summer. I am tired of peeling myself off the wall every morning and peeling myself off chairs. The heat can blow me! I like to take a shower and have it actually be WORTH something, not need another one after I take one!! I work in a SUPPOSEDLY air-conditioned environment, but I sweat to death EVERY day, regardless of the season while I am working. Humidity can blow me too. I like to breathe AIR, not water!! I don't have gills! But I DO need oxygen!! I wish I could allow snowflakes to collect in my arm hair ANY time of the year. That feels great! I have to share a TWIN bed with Matthew, and I don't need one finger to be touching him and have that create a big sweat puddle. We don't have enough space to not have a knee or elbow touching the other person, and that results in sweat. I like to SLEEP at night, not swim!! And our poor hamsters! I like animals, especially pets, and almost all pets have fur! I don't like having to see pets suffering, mine or somebody else's. Our hamsters have been drinking a lot of water, and I wish I could do something to help them, but like my clothing removal situation, even if I shaved them, they would probably STILL be hot!! EFF YOU SPRING/SUMMER!! COME BACK SNOW, COME BACK!! I LIKE YOU!! COME AND STAY WITH ME!!

NY Rant Series Part 1: Cab Drivers

New York state blows. Like seriously, this place effin' blows monkey stick. Here's my first NY-related rant about the area cab drivers.
White Cab
They wanted to charge an extra dollar to drop me off and then bring Matthew to Wal*Mart, so Matthew said to just nevermind the Wal*Mart, and we would get out where I needed to get dropped off and he would walk to Wal*Mart. Not only was this driver a total A$$, but he didn't seem to EFFING understand that we had changed our plans. Matthew was like "we'll get out right here then," and then the jerk finally told the dispatcher "no Wal*Mart." I also found a friggin empty beer can in the back of that cab. We showed the driver and he just acted all dopey like he'd never seen it before, but I can guarantee you it was his just by observing his driving (no one in NY really drives too great but this guy was obviously reckless). They're also guilty of SPEEDING (what an effing surprise) taking me someplace, and then they act like jerks when you expect change back. It's $4.50 to get to my work, and I give them a 5 and they're like "Thanks." WTF!! Sometimes they even have the nerve to ask me "uh ya want your 50 cents back?" and I just wanna say WHAT THE EFF DO YOU THINK?!?! I had to WAIT for a White Cab driver to go inside Rite Aid and get change. YOU ARE AN OPERATING BUSINESS!! IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO CARRY EFFING CHANGE!!
Capitaland Taxi
Worst NY cab company. Their drivers are ALL rude, they even have the nerve to insult you or your spouse/friend/whoever is with you. This one fat mean lady insulted Matthew right to my face, and it made me effing mad to have someone talk like that about my husband AND with him around!! And they NEVER EVER have change. Their cars are VERY CRAPPY and the whole interior smells like gasoline, and you still smell like gasoline after you've reached your destination. They also have to get out and open the door for you because they WON'T EFFIN' OPEN FROM INSIDE!! They're also reckless drivers and they make you wait forever, we once waited OVER AN HOUR for those jerks!! This one lady freakin' wouldn't give us change, so we had to demand a discount next time she drove us someplace.
Twin City Cab
These guys started out good, they had lower prices than everyone else, and they even--gasp--gave you change back!!!! But soon they made their prices the same as everyone else's, stopped carrying change, and they even made us wait OVER AN HOUR for a frigging cab!! This one lady overcharged me big-time, so I busted her the next time we got a ride from 'em and demanded a discount of the amount she had overcharged.
Tri-County Cab
Their drivers are VERY reckless, dopey, rude, and they smell! They are the WORST when it comes to change!! I have had more change incidents with these jerks than anyone else, and they are the most snotty about it when I want my effing change back. I always wanna kick the effing car when they leave 'cuz they make me so effing mad. It's their fault I start my shift at work on Sundays all grumbly. This is why I won't work Sundays, I can't afford these mother effers OR deal with their ways!! Wait 'til the effing trolley starts running, cuz you a$$es aren't getting MY money!! JERKS!!!!
Upstate Taxi Service
Gee, I would sure love to see if THIS cab company is any good but I CAN'T EVEN EFFING CALL THEM!! The sides of all their cars say "745-TAXI," and I effing DIALED 745-effing TAXI, and all I got was some old guy that was all confused, and after I had to have like a MINUTE of banter with this a$$ was I FINALLY able to figure out that it was the wrong number. EFF YOU Upstate Taxi Service!! You should feel lucky if I EVER get ahold of you, and if I do, you effing BETTER TREAT ME RIGHT!!!!!!!!

Fancy ringtone jerks and "push to die, er, talk"

You're obnoxious enough to begin with having your cell phone on IN THE EFFING LIBRARY!! IN ADDITION, you have the effing thing turned up so loud that old ladies with Miracle Ears are going "OW YOU A$$!" AND THEN! You have to subject everyone around you to a poorly recorded midi of some LAME A$$ SONG that everyone else has for their EFFING ringtone. You have quick and easy access to that phone. But no, you hafta let us hear the WHOLE FIRST VERSE of "Stereotypical Ghetto Tune" by Rapper J. Hip-Hop or some crap and THEN you effin' answer it. WHY?!?! OR!! WHY must you get EFFING PUSH TO TALK?!?!?!?! I wanna shoot EVERY! EFFING! ONE OF YOU!! "BLEEB-EEP! UH SO WHERE'S MY LIGHTER, BISH? BLEEB-EEP!" YOU! ARE THE EPITOME of NOT ALLOWED IN THE LIBRARY/STORE/WORLD EVER AGAIN!
BLEEB-EEP!!!!

So I had this babysitter back in the day who was a bad lady...

So okay, it's like this. There's a drawer with crayons and coloring books, and because I know where the drawer is, I am allowed to go in there and get the stuff and color as long as I color in the dining room where Lisa can see me. I'm like 4 years old during all this. So as long as I color in the dining room where she can watch me and I put everything back where I found it when I'm done, then it's all good, I don't have to ask for permission. This is what Lisa and I had established as the rules. Done and done. Her son Trevor, just a couple years older than me is at school during part of the day, so I get some of the day to myself to color. Great. So Lisa is in like, in the bathroom or something like that, all I know is she's not around. So I spot this BIG BIG coloring book with dinosaurs. I am like "SWEET! I'mma go get the crayons!" So I get the crayons and I color a couple dinosaurs and get bored with it, and then I PUT THE CRAYONS BACK and then I PUT THE COLORING BOOK BACK JUST LIKE I AM SUPPOSED TO! Then she comes out yelling and bishing 'cuz I "colored in Trevor's Easter present." WTF LADY! You didn't tell me until AFTER THE FACT that it was effing Trevor's effing Easter present! You a$$! It's like, I followed the rules, bish, don't you come yelling at me about something that's YOUR EFFING FAULT!! DUH!! YOU left ME alone when you were SUPPOSED to be watching me. WTF! I was effing 4!! That story still makes me mad. Here's the message to everyone:
BE A BETTER EFFING BABYSITTER THAN LISA!!

Friggin cereal bags!

Read this! He just about speaks my thoughts!! http://oddtodd.com/message539.html Once again, Odd Todd has saved me a lot of typing just by being mad about the same crap as I am.

The Fat Slut

So this gross guy with a woman's voice and his slutty girlfriend live behind us. Our building used to be a house and it was converted to apartments, so at the end of our hallway is a door that is just basically painted shut. Through this door, I can hear many things. A friend of mine told me that this creep is her ex and that he is a jerk and a loser. I agree, because I can hear him yelling at his girlfriend and complaining about every little thing she or someone else has done. Unfortunately, this isn't the only thing I am stuck hearing through this door. Almost EVERY EFFING DAY I hafta hear her screaming while they HAVE EFFING SEX!! I have screamed at them through this door about 10 EFFING TIMES!! I have also called the landord TWICE to complain about this. I am trying to live my life, read a book or something, or just SLEEP, and I hafta hear that?! At least if I am going to engage in, we'll say "bedroom activities," I have enough courtesy for others to BE EFFING QUIET!!!! Next time I hafta hear that crap, I'm calling the cops. That's that.

"CASH ONLY" CAN BLOW ME!!

That's right, all you stupid little food places at the mall! Take my Visa or don't take my business!! It's that EFFING simple!! SMART people such as myself DON'T CARRY EFFING CASH!! That's a stupid thing to do, because if that gets stolen, you're screwed, and anyone that knows that knows not to carry it!! TAKE VISA YOU A$$ES!! Or at least checks!!!! OR DEBIT OR WHATEVER!!
Aviation Mall: Auntie Anne's Pretzels--I shoulda just thrown that stupid pretzel at you!! Or kept it!! YOU SUCK! Pretzel mother effers!!
Flaming Wok--being Chinese is NOT an excuse not to take anything else besides cash! EFFING RACISTS!! You can keep your stupid expensive food that nobody wants, especially when there's pizza and Subway on each side of you!!
YOU PEOPLE WILL NOT GET AS MANY CUSTOMERS AS EVERYONE ELSE!! YOU SUCK!!
Odd Todd says:
"These are not even expensive restaurants! This growing trend is really disturbing along with the stupid trend where restaurants think it's cool to be 'Cash Only'. Every restaurant with the Cash Only crap! I have walk a block in the rain to an ATM so you can cheat on your taxes?? I'm gonna stay in and order pizza from the pizza place which does take credit cards and only nicely asks if I want a soda!"
EFF YOU, CASH ONLY!!
Hey Glens Falls/Queensbury!! DON'T GO TO AUNTIE ANNE'S OR FLAMING WOK!!

Too many bumper stickers makes you a loser

I don't give a flying squirrel about animal rights, politics, whatever.com or which illegitamate child is an "honor student!" I DON'T WANNA SEE YOUR EFFING LIFE STORY ON THE BACK OF YOUR EFFING CAR!! Stop bishing about "air pollution" when you're behind the wheel of THE MAIN CAUSE OF IT! YOU A$$!!